Susan: -am!
Minister Seth: She died...
Reuben Walton: Low.
MS: ...because a stranger had entire…
RW: (laughs)
MS: …lease of paper.
S: (breathing heavily) Oh, god, no...
MS: Now you’re going to join her.
S: (whimpering, gasping and crying)
MS: Nice and easy.
S: I helped you--
Lady on Answering Machine: (speaking softly) It’s a grand piano. Thank you. Take attendance. Okay? Bye bye.
Fawn: This is a very s--
RW: (singsongy) In there!
MS: She died, because a stranger had entire lease of paper.
S: (breathing heavily) Oh, god, no...
RW: No.
MS: Now you’re going to join her.
RW: (laughing) ha-it-d’hah, la-di-da…
S: (whimpering)
MS: Nicest this.
S: I helped you. You were sober there bleeding to death!
F: I don’t care about pain. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. (slapping sound)
Random Lady: It’s a math class rat.
RW: (high-pitched singing)
Another Random Guy: To get comfortable...
F: This is a very special night for us.
MS: I want to see the fear in your eyes. Don’t hold back. Do it for me. We’ll be back.
S: (whimpering and gasping)
Random Guy: Why are you trying to kill us? What did we do to you?
Reuben: (laughing) Remember, “very human!” (laughing) Very 2008 caker!
Matthew Walton: Wait up!
Announcer: From the director of Reanimator, the network television premier of H.P. Lovecraft’s Dagon! Next, on Sci-Fi.
Kelsey Carr: Which? Get away?
RW: Human feces! (laughing) Human turds! (laughing) The majesty cop. (laughing hysterically) Make a pot roast. Hah! Just kidding!
Deep-Voiced Male Announcer: A manny retger, the most demanding beverage.
Random Woman: So, what is your name?
Female Announcer: Now, non-drowsy allergy medication you can take right when you need it! Allergen! It starts dissolving the instant you have it warm! So you can get outlook wherever you are for non-drowsy relief, wherever you are.
Female Spokesperson: For men of retail, you can’t fake the taste of true grilled old nasty heart. This is really great to be true, I think.
Burger King Announcer: The original Western Whopper is back! Crispy bacon and cheddar--
RW: Masturbate. Keep it on, keep it on! I just need to get my chain! Masturbate. No, no! Make...Oops, did I just say that on cam?
One Guy: Ya ready...
Direct Scott: Hi, Joe!
Joe: Hi, Direct Scott!
Direct Scott: Let’s get to work!
Mousey Voice: A hahahaha!
Direct Scott: With the past addresses, keller drop box, you can e-mail the patties and have maneur! It’s just like having your own fax guy!
Joe: You’re kinda freakin’ me out, man.
Partying Girl: (obnoxiously and nasally) The psycho spray!
RW: It’s a word? You trapped up it’s a worth? Hey, wanna have sex? Hey, little kid, want some drugs? Wait, I’m gonna put on--Have you noticed how they always have villains with an English accent? They always have villains with an English accent.
Random Guy: There’s melons in this party everywhere!
Lelu Roth: (barks)
FA: Issue four to ten, on Sci-Fi.
Other Random Guy: There’s no grace, I’m so up in madness I’ve thought about lust.
Corny Lady: Remember, what we’re doing, is HOLY! Don’t ever forget that, fight.
RW: No.
MS: Oh, bomb, Lucifer, Thorn, know that we are safe in service to thy power, as we prepare this feast of blood!
F: Third is this history. Tonight’s the night we’ve all been following for, to drink the blood of the nonbeliever. So that we may remain eternal.
RW: (seductively) Hey… (hysterically) Bitch! It’s fortafer! Okay! Okay! Dad! Okay! (laughing)
Matthew Walton: First you’ll have a fourteen minute dark…
RW: Sh-- (groaning and gasping) You are just craspin’ up the wrong bark..
Matthew Walton: Just do it now. Don’t do the booger! Reuben!
F: Say those words all clones will be worth. And the power all these will go in vain. Hail Satan!
Voices: Hail Sat...
RW: (hysterically) I’m trying to! I’m trying to! (whispering hysterically) I’m trying to!
MW: It’s skinny knee! You make it up the (indistinct)
KC: Can Lelu, or Snorty goes for a walk?
RW: Lelu.
MS: Oh bombeed dud burn boner, can toot the aplomb, you of it up bomber, it is you we worship. Satan, oh forth thy power, we devour France the Englishmen, and the infidel. Grant us eternal life, that we may continue, your evil work.
KC: Now, beat it! Go. A rump.
RW: (breathing heavily, stomping and running)
Cult Member: We’re restripping you, we’re taking you out of this miserable existence and giving you a higher purpose, you should appreciate that!
MW: Don’t go flippo now!
RW: Why weren’t you letting me in?
MW: D’uh, with phonely--
RW: Letters and Tomatoes Department! Um, yeah.
MS: You have dark kay good old Lucifer, for angel of life. Bring your power…as we devote ourselves to the conquest and--
KC: Wait, go and bring it.
RW: No I wanna--I wanna do--
KC: No!
RW: Envelope of the Month! This month’s Envelope of the Month comes from Matt Hanfield, of Northampton, Massachusetts. In his letter, Matt did a fare amount of smack-talking about Letters…page mainstay Jim Hutchings. So far, Jim has been quiet in facing his challengers. Are you going to take this, a-Jim? After all that you have quote, worked, unquote, for? For God’s sake, mans, fight…disturbing fire with disturbing fire! Send in your next…masterpiece and put these…upstarts in their place, Ed. Mad, to Amy “No Stamp…Required”...
Answering Machine Announcer: Sunday, 7 a.m.
RW: …Vizuolas, c.o. Mad Magazine, 1700 Broadway, New York, NY 10..019. Jim Hutchings’..challenger Matt Hanfield’s envelope. Censor and sensibility. Why is your magazine so R-rated? I am an average 9-year-old boy who thinks your magazine is funny, but in an R-rated way.
Other Male: A keller, off the rip of (indistinct)
F: Aww...
RW: I am a new subscriber and when I got the May..May issue, I was rather upset that it had nudity in it. If you could make your magazine G-rated, that would be great. Max Russo, Pleasantville, NY.
OM: Nine to five…(indistinct)
RW: Max and Cheese…
OM: Look away…(indistinct)
RW: ...you describe--you strike us as the type of kid who reminds his teachers that they haven’t assigned any homework for the weekend. No.
KC: It can be a cake of controlling the perfume Brett the act… (indistinct)
RW: However, we are glad that you enjoy this--the magazine, and we hope it offers you an occasional smile as you recover in an ICU from one of the many s--schoolyard beatings that are bound to be a staple of your childhood. Stephanie, Kelsey wants to know if we can bring her home.
MW: We’ll, we’re gonna…(indistinct)
Stephanie Walton: Yeah, we’re gonna leave in about, uh, we’re probably gonna leave in about five minutes…
OM: Get the gull to the first of the…(indistinct)
SW: If I kite the nip…
RW: We’re going to leave in about five minutes. In the meantime, I’m going to be watching this.
KC: No!
RW: Why not?
KC: ‘Cause you’ve been watching TV most of the time!
RW: Next month in Mad, number 446 on sale September..14th, our Spider-Man 2 parody, fall TV preview, and the Mad World of School. For better or for curse. I was at my..Grandma’s on vaca--on vacation when I got my first issue of Mad. I was reading it voraciously, making sure I got every s-- oh walked in. My youngest cousin-- s. (sighing exasperatedly) Okay, fine… I was at my..Grandma’s on vaca--on vacation when I got my first issue of Mad. I was reading it voraciously, making sure I got every single detail, when my bratty cousins and Mad-addicted uncle walked in. My youngest cousin…Robin grabbed the Mad out of my hands and started reading it out loud. My Grandma thought it was cute until Robin c--came across the word “damn”. Then my..Grandma said that Mad might be a little too inappropriate for me. Um, but then my Mad-addicted uncle said that kids are getting more inappropriate these days. Is this true? Is Mad affecting the ways of..the next generation? Adrian…Appleman, Brewster, NY. Apple Cobbler, as far as..whether or not Mad is r--responsible for r--influencing the next generation, well, we don’t--we really don’t give a damn. Thanks for writing, U.S. mail.
KC: Alright, so Reuben tumbled the wood, and then he was dumb. Which is annoying, thank you, I hear--
RW: Yeah. William Gain. Mad, William Gaines, founder. John Fisara, editor. Editorial, Charlie Kadow, Joe Rayola. Um, Senior Editors, Amy Vozeolaz--Vamy--Vozeolas. Greg Lateman, and David--Dave Proato. Assoc--Associate directors--Associate Editors, N-Nick Meglan, Contributing--Contributing…
KC: This thing, I written from, this is how we feel, wahh! Okay, I’m gonna say it on here The Sims cheats code, so you won’t be red.
RW: No, you have to write it down!
KC: I’ll say it on here!
RW: (in background) No, Kelsey, write it down!
KC: Look--space bar, plus alt control…