Reuben Walton: ...owing the I was following the I was following the ma-I was following the Ben Raymond and LeAnne Piepiora: Throw me a raft, make me stay, stay away from everything I... RW: I was following the I was following the I I was following the I was--I love this part, it’s perfect, shut up, let’s start. I was following the I was--c’mon, Jesus fucking Christ. LeAnne Piepiora: It’s Ben Raymond: The first--first two. LP: Yeah. RW: (Laughs) LP: (Laughs) RW: I was following the I was following the BR: Throw me around… RW, BR and LP: I was following the I was following the I was following the I was following the coats with scarves of red tied ‘round their throats, to keep their little heads from falling in the snow, and I turned around and there you go, and Michael you would fall, and turn the white snow red as strawberries in summertime. I was following the pack all swallowed in their coats, with scarves of red tied ‘round their throats, to keep their little heads from falling in the snow, and I turned around and there you go, and Michael you would fall and turn the white snow red as strawberries in summertime. BR and LP: All my time is taken by the line… BR: The Roger! BR and LP: Everything is turning…. BR: Turning, turning… RW: C’mon, let me… LP: Stop. It’s gonna smell so bad, I don’t wanna taste it. What the fuck are you doing? Stop! RW: Alright. No no, stay here, stay here! (laughs) A drink. (vocal run) Ah shit! BR: No. BR and LP: Come back home, first one I know. BR: What was the clack I heard outside the home…You are just another balloon of over. RW: I never thought you would take it this far, what do I know? Alright, let’s listen to this! (vocalizing) BR: (vocalizing) RW: (vocalizing) BR: It’s not the right style. I know... RW: Not the right style? Bitch please, I was doin’--I was doin’ trills all over the-- BR: (scoffs) RW: All over the ying yang! BR: Shit. RW: Tell me not the right style. BR: I gotta bring the piano in our ears, ‘cause you sprayed so much… LP: It’s definitely guitar. RW: Nigga I done seen m-mo’ hoes--(laughs) No, I don’t know. LP: Yeah, it’s, like, really..smelly. (laughs) RW: (laughs) BR: (laughs) Oh my god. (laughs) LP: I can, like, smell…I love that tune. Yo, open your window or something. (laughs) BR: What’s that? RW: Don’t worry about it, dude. Oh, I can turn on the fan. I can put the fan here. The fan’s right here. LP: Alright. RW: The fan’s right here. LP: The part that-- RW: Who would? LP: The through thing. RW: Oh, put on the m-gangster hat and play guitar. (laughs) And do it while you’re playing guitar. Do it, do it, do it! It’s right behind you. It’s directly behind you, get it! BR: It’s--it’s so (indistinct) BR and LP: And through the years we know we all will. RW: And sing--what? BR: Best Coast. I… I… LP: (laughs) BR: for a walk… (laughs) LP: (laughing) RW: Wait, I wanna film you! I wanna film you doing this, shut up! BR: Clouds go by… RW: Hold on! BR: …the sun was high... RW: There’s still so much weed left. (laughs) RW: Wait, start it up. (laughing) Start it up, I-I wanna--I wanna...There’s still so much weed left… BR: Yo, what up? RW: Open your pack. No, one--three, two, one. Alright, now have it facing. I am tossing out the back. Had been some retard, a good of some walk. (laughs) BR: I went for a walk, watched the clouds go by… RW: It smells so good. BR: The sun was... RW: It could be bread. BR: high, and so was I, it sure was high, and so was I, I was. RW: (vocalizing, cooing) BR: I was… RW: (snickers) BR: *wails/screams* RW: (laughs) Alright, now let’s watch that, let’s wa--no, no, shut the fuck up! LP: (laughing) No, why? Watch it later. RW: No. LP: We have to create new moments, we can’t be reviewing the old ones every five minutes! (laughs) RW: Alright. No, have it face--okay. BR: (laughs) I… RW: (laughing) It just suddenly started moving. BR: went for a walk... RW: It looks like the room is backwards, doesn’t it? BR: …watched the clouds go by… RW: You gotta… BR: the sun was--(laughs). It just looks really random (laughs). RW: (laughs) What? (laughs) BR: With…with the hat. RW: (laughs) LP: I-I got, like, a video on my phone… RW: Alright. No, have it face--okay. BR: (laughs) I… LP: (laughs) It starts off, like, perfectly, too. RW: What? LP: Hold on. RW: Let me see. Show me! Show me! Bitch! No, I’m just kidding. BR: It’s the damn sun, (vocalizing). RW: You have so much better quality than mine. LP: (laughing) You look so gangster, I think, or someone did! (rhythmic finger snapping in background) BR: I remember. LP: It’s so funny. BR and LP: You be… LP: Yeah there’s things that’s why… BR: I can’t listen to this. This moment just happened. (laughs) LP: Yeah. RW: I wanna feel your iPhone. LP: (laughs) Why? It’s broken. RW: I know, but you can still see it through it… BR: You don’t know how it go. LP: What? BR: Now, you want… RW: Oh, can I feel the crack? I just wanna-- LP: What ham, dude? (laughing) Is there a crack? RW: (laughing) LP: Reuben, there’s, like, five hundred cracks on the surface of this cellular device--don’t break it off! RW: On the live fire can I--I’m just trying to see if I can feel it with my nails. BR and LP: Wall wool...(vocalizing) LP: Just hold it like that. RW: Yeah, like that. LP: Yeah. It’s, like, different. RW: How hard is it--I know. What? BR: I just had twenty mens, leave my… RW: Who has the bowl? Who has the vape? Who has the vape? LP: Argentina… BR: Leave me here too long… RW: Who has died? BR: South America, oh… LP: Argentina… BR: I can’t leave myself and not at home... LP: Argentina. BR: I try to see you with a full moon… LP: Argentina, Argentina… BR and LP: (vocalizing) BR: Ah, oh my god. LP: (laughs) RW: No--no--no, because I can do the vocal transformer, and we can sound like 7th graders. LP: (laughs) RW: No, it’s really funny, though. S--like, let’s just talk. Say something, LeAnne. LP: Hi, Reuben. RW: What’s up? LP: Talkin’ to you. RW: Oh, word? What’d you think of that performance? LP: It was wonderful. RW: Really? LP: As always. RW: What’d you like about it? LP: The wonderful, awesome (indistinct)-- RW: Alright. LP: Wonderful… BR: In the nursery…it’s from the Björk CD… RW: Uh, you mean the-- BR: And--And, uh--yeah. RW: ...and Dirty Projectors? BR: Where ohh--ocean meets… RW: Yeah. BR: the sea, in the place where we can be, you and me, we’re all alone. RW: (laughs) BR: (vocalizing) Oh, all in front, gallivitum on the shuman... RW: (vaping) BR: (vocalizing) RW: (lighter flicks) (laughs) (lighter flicks) (vaping) LP: (laughs) Are you okay…? (laughs) RW: (laughs) It was just funny how it slipped out. (laughs) LP: (laughs) Yeah. That’s what she s…(trails off) RW: (laughs) That’s what she said. BR: All the lyrics are weird on that CD, they’re all, like, about whales. LP: (coughs) RW: Yeah. BR: In the nursery...(laughs) RW: Why do you always say it’s all weird? BR: I don’t know, ‘cause it’s just sounds--they’re weird lyrics to sing. “In the nursery where ocean”-- RW: You gotta, like, lose all your inhibitions, man. BR: Eh, eh, eh-- RW: In fact, I--

Reuben Walton: Il mio bel foco, o lontano o vicino ch’esser poss’io, senza cangiar mai tempre per voi, care pupille, arderà sempre. Quella fiamma che m’accende, piace tanto all’alma mia, che giammai s’estinguerà. E se il fato a voi mi rende, vaghi rai del mio bel sole, altra luce ella non vuole nè voler giammai potrà. Within the woodlands, flow’ry gladed, By the oak trees’ mossy moot, The shining grass blades, timber-shaded, Now do quiver underfoot; And birds do whistle overhead, And water’s bubbling in its bed, And there, for me, the apple tree Do lean down low in Linden Lea. When leaves, that lately were a-springing Now do fade within the copse, And painted birds do hush their singing Up upon the timber tops; And brown-leaved fruit’s a-turning red, In cloudless sunshine overhead, With fruit for me, the apple tree Do lean down low in Linden Lea. Let other folk make money faster In the air of dark-roomed towns, I don’t dread a peevish master; Though no man may heed my frowns, I be free to go abroad, Or take again my homeward road and there for me, the apple tree Do lean down low in Linden Lea. Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me, Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee; Sounds of the rude world, heard in the day, Lull'd by the moonlight have all pass'd away! Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song, List while I woo thee with soft melody; Gone are the cares of life's busy throng, Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me! Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me! In the quiet misty morning, when the moon has gone to bed, When the sparrows stop their singing and the sky is clear and red, When the summer's ceased its gleaming, when the corn is past its prime, When adventure's lost its meaning, I'll be homeward bound in time. Wait, I skipped some--I completely skipped a chorus. Bind me not to the pasture. Chain me not to the plow. Set me free to find my calling and I'll return to you somehow. If you find it's me you're missing, if you're hoping I'll return, To your thought I'll soon be list'ning; in the road I'll stop and turn. Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end, And the path I'll be retracing when I'm homeward bound again. Bind me not to the pasture. Chain me not to the plow. Set me free to find my calling and I'll return to you somehow. In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed, When the sparrows stop their singing, I'll be homeward bound again.

Stephanie Walton: Well, what's wrong with our reality? What's so wrong with dying? What's so wrong with dying? You gotta nab it. Matthew Walton: (indistinct) I wouldn't. SW: Well, she did-- MW: Nah nah, don't dog. SW: Why does he all of the sudden wanna see you, though? He never wanted to see you before. MW: Well, (indistinct) a very town (indistinct) SW: Oh, he must've written he was in town coming. MW: Huh? SW: He must've written of a town coming-- MW: Or he…I don't know what happened. But it doesn’t pertain to nothing around the wedding. And, uh, also, he’s a friendly fellow, and sometimes we don’t mind talking like I might, for years without doing anything about our friendship, and then suddenly sort of saying, “Oh, I--I think I wish to call so-and-so,” or he has nothing better to do while he's in Woods Hole, or, he, might like, you and think that maybe if he, you know, if he’d come to see me he might be able to see you, which would be fun, or to get… SW: But he doesn’t even know me, how can he like me? MW: Well, (indistinct), has he ever laid eyes on you, do you think? SW: I hardly know who he is, if he knew some today. MW: You mean that’s all? You--you haven’t…met him? SW: No, nothing, Christine Fetterlin. MW: Oh! I thought that you really hadn’t met him, I thought you had met him even this much… SW: You said he went--you said that he went to Greenfield-- SW: Well, what’s wrong with our reality? What’s so wrong with dying? What’s so wrong with dying? MW: No. His mother. SW: What about his mother? MW: Well, his mother just fell, fell melderly, so, uh, one may mang and do it. SW: Where does--where does she live? MW: Past the bridge, beyond our, kind of out…(indistinct) SW: Why does he all of the sudden wanna see you, though? He never wanted to see you before. MW: Well, uh, as a person sinning of age, he could possibly be... (indistinct) SW: Oh, well he must've written--he had a town coming. MW: Huh? SW: He must've written a scheduled town coming. MW: Maybe yup…yeah, he did. Oh, wait…I don’t know what happened. But he’s the sort of friend who likes to stick around through the year. *Bird calls* Reuben Walton: Ass. Ew! MW: Kay, see you later then, and-and, uh, so in about half an--well-- *Birds making noises, ambient noise* RW: Ass. Unknown Female: *Sighs* Unknown Character: Well, let’s go in and get things ready. MW: Kay, see you later then, and-and, uh, so in about half an--well--a little--just shortly we’ll--alright, okay, bye bye. Unknown Character: You get things started in the house and I’ll go find a yacht. Come on, now! MW: Reuben. RW: What? MW: You must-- RW: Oh, I love you, I love you so much, woo! Woo! Oh yeah, double check, woo! Underneath, woo! A Safari, File, Edit, View, History! Oh, a la la la la luh luh lahw hehh, ohhahh, haa (vocalizing). You are so beautiful, to me, can’t you see? You’re everything I’ve hoped for, you’re everything I need. Hey. To Me (vocalizing). Samantha: (screaming) No! No! He’s my parents--(indistinct) RW: go to IHOP! wanna go to IHOP! Can we please go to IHOP? MW: Maybe so, if sudden…(indistinct) RW: (laughs) Woo! Ooh. It’s good, put it on your computer-- MW: Now, wait, wait, wait, listen, I wanna t--wait-- RW: I’m pouring it out! MW: Wait--Don’t throw it out! Give it to me-- RW: I’m gonna pour it all over your computer! Fawn: She’s not ready. Minister Seth: Why? F: Because I don’t like her. She’s not worthy of a full sacrifice, she’s impure. MW: No, Reuben, stop that! Stop that! MS: What do you suggest? RW: Hahahaha! F: I suggest we just kill her. David: *struggling* MS: As you wish. Sam: *Wimpering and crying* RW: No, no, no, just that you were not--no, because it sounds cool when you play it back, because it’s recording--no, it--no, it’s recording right now. I mean, it was already recording, and while it was recording--I don’t know, because it just sounded a lot cooler when I played it back. MW: What are you doing? MS: We let you live long enough to see her die. RW: Yeah, it does. It sounds cool. Yeah, it does. I don’t know, Da--there was nothing else to do-- F: Aw, Samantha, little Samantha, it’s okay, don’t worry. I’m gonna cut you really slow so you can enjoy it, sweetie. There… Sam: *screaming and crying* F: Aw, Samantha, little Samantha, it’s okay, don’t worry. I’m gonna take this really slow so you can enjoy it. RW: No, no, but, Dad, there’s nothing wrong with you cussing! You can cuss all you want, okay? It has nothing to with anything except that I wanna go to IHOP! Can we go to IHOP? Dad, can we go to IHOP? Yay, woo! Woohoo! Okay, okay, just get your shoes! Okay! Yeah, woo! Yeah my name should shot all that I don’t give a fuck! A fuck! (laughing hysterically, then breathing heavily) Sam: How let’s live through this night and throw her out! Well, at least we know why we’re gonna die tonight, because of a stranger! Susan: We are helping her because we almost killed her, remember? Sam: Well, you know, we’re your real friends, not her! F: Thank you for keeping me alive, I’m sorry I was so much trouble! Susan: Where’s Sam? Sam? (echoing) F: We’ve had one hell of a night, haven’t we? RW: Do you like that movie? Did you hate it? Susan: I don’t understand. RW: What? Susan: Where am I? What is this place? RW: They’re not really a full--a big family in real life, they’re actors. F: This is the place you’re going to die. RW: What are they saying is good about a good family--about a big family? MW: That’s not good, that’s the whole point, c’mon-- RW: It gives me-- MW: don’t-- Susan: What have you done with David? MS: Aw, Susan, Susan, Susan, you are a fighter, I like that. But you’ve lost. You lost the moment you were chosen at the party. You see, those parties where you take drugs and fornicate, they’re my hunting ground. RW: (groans) MS: …They represent the thousand choices that you make. RW: (gagging noise) MS: I’d like you to join our group. Will you? Susan: Never! MS: Really? If I can’t have you one way, I will have you another. RW: Or just ask-- MS: You see your friend? Susan: (gasps) Sam!

Susan: -am! Minister Seth: She died... Reuben Walton: Low. MS: ...because a stranger had entire… RW: (laughs) MS: …lease of paper. S: (breathing heavily) Oh, god, no... MS: Now you’re going to join her. S: (whimpering, gasping and crying) MS: Nice and easy. S: I helped you-- Lady on Answering Machine: (speaking softly) It’s a grand piano. Thank you. Take attendance. Okay? Bye bye. Fawn: This is a very s-- RW: (singsongy) In there! MS: She died, because a stranger had entire lease of paper. S: (breathing heavily) Oh, god, no... RW: No. MS: Now you’re going to join her. RW: (laughing) ha-it-d’hah, la-di-da… S: (whimpering) MS: Nicest this. S: I helped you. You were sober there bleeding to death! F: I don’t care about pain. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. (slapping sound) Random Lady: It’s a math class rat. RW: (high-pitched singing) Another Random Guy: To get comfortable... F: This is a very special night for us. MS: I want to see the fear in your eyes. Don’t hold back. Do it for me. We’ll be back. S: (whimpering and gasping) Random Guy: Why are you trying to kill us? What did we do to you? Reuben: (laughing) Remember, “very human!” (laughing) Very 2008 caker! Matthew Walton: Wait up! Announcer: From the director of Reanimator, the network television premier of H.P. Lovecraft’s Dagon! Next, on Sci-Fi. Kelsey Carr: Which? Get away? RW: Human feces! (laughing) Human turds! (laughing) The majesty cop. (laughing hysterically) Make a pot roast. Hah! Just kidding! Deep-Voiced Male Announcer: A manny retger, the most demanding beverage. Random Woman: So, what is your name? Female Announcer: Now, non-drowsy allergy medication you can take right when you need it! Allergen! It starts dissolving the instant you have it warm! So you can get outlook wherever you are for non-drowsy relief, wherever you are. Female Spokesperson: For men of retail, you can’t fake the taste of true grilled old nasty heart. This is really great to be true, I think. Burger King Announcer: The original Western Whopper is back! Crispy bacon and cheddar-- RW: Masturbate. Keep it on, keep it on! I just need to get my chain! Masturbate. No, no! Make...Oops, did I just say that on cam? One Guy: Ya ready... Direct Scott: Hi, Joe! Joe: Hi, Direct Scott! Direct Scott: Let’s get to work! Mousey Voice: A hahahaha! Direct Scott: With the past addresses, keller drop box, you can e-mail the patties and have maneur! It’s just like having your own fax guy! Joe: You’re kinda freakin’ me out, man. Partying Girl: (obnoxiously and nasally) The psycho spray! RW: It’s a word? You trapped up it’s a worth? Hey, wanna have sex? Hey, little kid, want some drugs? Wait, I’m gonna put on--Have you noticed how they always have villains with an English accent? They always have villains with an English accent. Random Guy: There’s melons in this party everywhere! Lelu Roth: (barks) FA: Issue four to ten, on Sci-Fi. Other Random Guy: There’s no grace, I’m so up in madness I’ve thought about lust. Corny Lady: Remember, what we’re doing, is HOLY! Don’t ever forget that, fight. RW: No. MS: Oh, bomb, Lucifer, Thorn, know that we are safe in service to thy power, as we prepare this feast of blood! F: Third is this history. Tonight’s the night we’ve all been following for, to drink the blood of the nonbeliever. So that we may remain eternal. RW: (seductively) Hey… (hysterically) Bitch! It’s fortafer! Okay! Okay! Dad! Okay! (laughing) Matthew Walton: First you’ll have a fourteen minute dark… RW: Sh-- (groaning and gasping) You are just craspin’ up the wrong bark.. Matthew Walton: Just do it now. Don’t do the booger! Reuben! F: Say those words all clones will be worth. And the power all these will go in vain. Hail Satan! Voices: Hail Sat... RW: (hysterically) I’m trying to! I’m trying to! (whispering hysterically) I’m trying to! MW: It’s skinny knee! You make it up the (indistinct) KC: Can Lelu, or Snorty goes for a walk? RW: Lelu. MS: Oh bombeed dud burn boner, can toot the aplomb, you of it up bomber, it is you we worship. Satan, oh forth thy power, we devour France the Englishmen, and the infidel. Grant us eternal life, that we may continue, your evil work. KC: Now, beat it! Go. A rump. RW: (breathing heavily, stomping and running) Cult Member: We’re restripping you, we’re taking you out of this miserable existence and giving you a higher purpose, you should appreciate that! MW: Don’t go flippo now! RW: Why weren’t you letting me in? MW: D’uh, with phonely-- RW: Letters and Tomatoes Department! Um, yeah. MS: You have dark kay good old Lucifer, for angel of life. Bring your power…as we devote ourselves to the conquest and-- KC: Wait, go and bring it. RW: No I wanna--I wanna do-- KC: No! RW: Envelope of the Month! This month’s Envelope of the Month comes from Matt Hanfield, of Northampton, Massachusetts. In his letter, Matt did a fare amount of smack-talking about Letters…page mainstay Jim Hutchings. So far, Jim has been quiet in facing his challengers. Are you going to take this, a-Jim? After all that you have quote, worked, unquote, for? For God’s sake, mans, fight…disturbing fire with disturbing fire! Send in your next…masterpiece and put these…upstarts in their place, Ed. Mad, to Amy “No Stamp…Required”... Answering Machine Announcer: Sunday, 7 a.m. RW: …Vizuolas, c.o. Mad Magazine, 1700 Broadway, New York, NY 10..019. Jim Hutchings’..challenger Matt Hanfield’s envelope. Censor and sensibility. Why is your magazine so R-rated? I am an average 9-year-old boy who thinks your magazine is funny, but in an R-rated way. Other Male: A keller, off the rip of (indistinct) F: Aww... RW: I am a new subscriber and when I got the May..May issue, I was rather upset that it had nudity in it. If you could make your magazine G-rated, that would be great. Max Russo, Pleasantville, NY. OM: Nine to five…(indistinct) RW: Max and Cheese… OM: Look away…(indistinct) RW: ...you describe--you strike us as the type of kid who reminds his teachers that they haven’t assigned any homework for the weekend. No. KC: It can be a cake of controlling the perfume Brett the act… (indistinct) RW: However, we are glad that you enjoy this--the magazine, and we hope it offers you an occasional smile as you recover in an ICU from one of the many s--schoolyard beatings that are bound to be a staple of your childhood. Stephanie, Kelsey wants to know if we can bring her home. MW: We’ll, we’re gonna…(indistinct) Stephanie Walton: Yeah, we’re gonna leave in about, uh, we’re probably gonna leave in about five minutes… OM: Get the gull to the first of the…(indistinct) SW: If I kite the nip… RW: We’re going to leave in about five minutes. In the meantime, I’m going to be watching this. KC: No! RW: Why not? KC: ‘Cause you’ve been watching TV most of the time! RW: Next month in Mad, number 446 on sale September..14th, our Spider-Man 2 parody, fall TV preview, and the Mad World of School. For better or for curse. I was at my..Grandma’s on vaca--on vacation when I got my first issue of Mad. I was reading it voraciously, making sure I got every s-- oh walked in. My youngest cousin-- s. (sighing exasperatedly) Okay, fine… I was at my..Grandma’s on vaca--on vacation when I got my first issue of Mad. I was reading it voraciously, making sure I got every single detail, when my bratty cousins and Mad-addicted uncle walked in. My youngest cousin…Robin grabbed the Mad out of my hands and started reading it out loud. My Grandma thought it was cute until Robin c--came across the word “damn”. Then my..Grandma said that Mad might be a little too inappropriate for me. Um, but then my Mad-addicted uncle said that kids are getting more inappropriate these days. Is this true? Is Mad affecting the ways of..the next generation? Adrian…Appleman, Brewster, NY. Apple Cobbler, as far as..whether or not Mad is r--responsible for r--influencing the next generation, well, we don’t--we really don’t give a damn. Thanks for writing, U.S. mail. KC: Alright, so Reuben tumbled the wood, and then he was dumb. Which is annoying, thank you, I hear-- RW: Yeah. William Gain. Mad, William Gaines, founder. John Fisara, editor. Editorial, Charlie Kadow, Joe Rayola. Um, Senior Editors, Amy Vozeolaz--Vamy--Vozeolas. Greg Lateman, and David--Dave Proato. Assoc--Associate directors--Associate Editors, N-Nick Meglan, Contributing--Contributing… KC: This thing, I written from, this is how we feel, wahh! Okay, I’m gonna say it on here The Sims cheats code, so you won’t be red. RW: No, you have to write it down! KC: I’ll say it on here! RW: (in background) No, Kelsey, write it down! KC: Look--space bar, plus alt control…

Kelsey Carr: Alt, plus control, C, tab, ’n…ahh, see get one horn, what’s my number-- Reuben Walton: Editor, Dick DeBartolo, Creative Consultant. Art department, Sam Viviano. Art Director, Nadina Sa--Simon. Associate Art Director, Patricia Dwyer. Assistant Art Director, Ryan Flanders, Brian Derniack and Doug Thompson, Production Artist. Leon--Leonard Brenner… Deep-Voiced Male Announcer: What towns leave! Inquisitive Girl: What kind of church is this? D-V MA: The mystery of its ancient past! Scared Guy: What the hell’s goin’ on here?! D-V MA: The mystery of its undying evil! RW: ...Graphics Consultant. Administration, Paul Levidge, President and Publisher. George Brewer, VP, Design and R--Retail…Product Development. Richard Bruning, Senior VP, Creative Director. KC: (mumbling) RW: Patrick Caldon, Senior VP, Finance and Operations. Chris Caramallis, VP, Finance. Terry Cunningham… KC: He. RW: VP, Managing Editor. John--Dan Diddio, um, VP, Editorial. Allison Gill, VP, Manufacturing. Rick Johnson, VP, Book Trade Sales. Hank Canals, VP, General Manager, Wildstorm. Um, (sniffles) Lillian Lacerson, (sniffles) Senior VP and General Counsel. (Sniffles) David McHillups, VP, Um, Advertising and Custom Publishing. John Nee, VP, Business Development. Gregory Novick--Noveck, Senior VP, Creative Affairs. Ch-Ch-Cheryl Ruben, Senior VP, Brand Management. Bob Wayne, VP, Sales and Marketing. Contributing--Contributing Artists and Writers, the Usual Gang of Idiots. For e--advertising inquiries only, please call (212)-636-5520. For subcrip--sub--for subscription questions, go to the Mad website. All you need is your name and zip code to renew, change your address, give a…gift subscription, change your account..balance and e--expire--expiration dates or go to…Request Mission Issue. Um, just go to www.mad…mad--madmag.com, or call 1-800-4-MADMAG (U.S. and Canada only). Or write to P.O. Box 52345, Boulder, CO, 8..0322-2345. Please do not phone, write, fax or e-mail our..New York office, we’re too dumb to help you here. (distant dishes clanking) Visit our Mad websi--visit our website, madmag.com. How to reach us. Please address correspondence to: Mad, Department 445, 17..hundred--1700 Broadway, New York, NY, 10019. Mad..welcomes reader s--submissions. Manuscripts will not be returned or acknowledged, however, um, unless they are accompanied by a self-addressed, self--self-addressed, stamped envelope. Mad doesn’t read fax--4848--ed reader sub--submissions. Manuscripts will not be returned or acknowledged, however, um, unless they are accompanied by a self-addressed, self--self-addressed, stamped envelope. Mad doesn’t read faxed s--submissions. Fax Mad at (212)-506-4848. Pulp Fictions..Presents: The Good, the Bad, and the Harry. Harry Johnson™. The 2-issue comic book..miniseries. Um, look for the world’s zaniest uncouth sl--sleuth, in the July and August issues of Preduce. More Powers than--(small cough) than..Austin! More Flash than Gordon! More Dick than Tracy! Copyright 2004 Pulp Fiction Incorporated. Created and written by Charles Fulp, um, package weasured by--measured by..mate, measured by weight not volume--not by volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred during shipping. See store for details. Lather, rinse, repeat. Buy this book or else! Um, Pulp Fiction dot--Fulp--(sotto voce) Fulp Fiction Presents. (normal voice) Fulpfiction.com. Comic..shop locator service. Comics, 888-Comic..Book. Comic..shoplocator.com. The Fundalini Pages! (coughs) (Musical Interlude) Casey Smith: And they--they know that they made a lot of money in Rich’s show last year--er-- Unknown VPAC Member: Yeah. CS: last year, so… UVPACM: Yeah, I already told them that. CS: …compared with last year. So, ah-it-it’s an ex--it’s extra money in their pockets after they just did the tour, you know? They might even be suff--not suffering for money after the tour, but, you know, so, it’s like… LeAnne Piepiora: What we should take them… CS: Well, yeah, it’s just, like, they tr--they--and they know it’s cool here, you know, they’ve been playing here the last, you know, few years, they like it. Justin Cole: Yeah. CS: I think they’ll go for that. LP: Yeah. CS: I mean, they’ll probably--they’ll probably want the few thousand dollars, um, in Fox. They’ll go for that, I think, over-- Cam Tanguay: Yeah. CS: Um, ‘cause they--‘cause they’re doing Boston, and they’re doing Northampton, which is, you know, we’re right smack dab in the middle… CT: Yeah, yeah. LP: Yeah. CS: …of those two close places. CT: Yeah (indistinct). CS: So, they’re--we’re not gonna get much public draw. No one’s gonna wa--wanna go to a college to s--well, I mean, granted, it will be a lot cheaper. Um… UVPACM: Yeah, that’s true. CS: And, people will still go to Boston events. UVPACM: Yeah. CS: It’s at the Paradise and stuff like that, we can’t compete with that. So... CT: Alright! Uh, Justin, go! JC: Well, we should put the barriers out, and then maybe in addition to cut down the..cost, we could do a floor show. Know--we know that they’re gonna do it--they’re gonna do that anyway. And that might be, like, a chance--and I-I know it’ll still look like a gym, but that might be a chance to kinda, like, broke this set on it with-- CS: Wait, where could we do this? LP: A floor show. JC: Uh, Cumnock. LP: Yeah. Put the barrier--you know, put the barriers out. That’s, like, space, and then just move it down from the stage. Because, like, we know they’re gonna be having cross to right-- LP: And that was sweet when they did that last year! JC: And that might--that might be a r--yeah, and that would, like, that would create, like, a really cool intimate, thing, kind of like a coffeehouse type of thing, and I don’t know, I feel--I feel like it would fit that thing, that--that, vibe, I guess, and, like, it would make the place seem a lot more packed and, I don’t know, have them fighting over it… Dan Sullivan: (laughs) JC: …even in the middle of the crowd, or, actually in front of, like, a sitting crowd… CT: Yeah. CS: We could make this, like, “A Night with Good Old War” type of thing, and have people sign up for it. Like, you have to be the first…one, like one-fifty to sign up, you know, and those are the people that get the wristbands. Like, you have to sign up, you know? CT: I like that. CS: You know? So, like... JC: Have the audience sit, and then maybe give them, like, a couple stools, in front of the stage, or something, in front… CS: Not even, no--not even sit, like, we want people dancing. JC: Okay, so put them on the stage, the stage…? CS: No, not on the stage, no, just, like, a normal show, but, like… LP: I think that part of it is that it’s only stat-- CT: Casey’s back where The Common is, so… CS: No, we’re at the common. JC: Ohh! I’m sorry. (laughs) CS: We’re talking about the issue, it’s--the-the only problem with The Common is that there might not be enough space to have everybody in for free. So, I’m saying, like, you--we send out an adver--like, an advertisement, invite--Facebook invite, blah blah blah, whatever, like, as much as we can, and we say, like, the first a hundred and fifty people up--to sign up for this, like, e-mail, sign up, like, will get into the show, like, you have to sign up. It’s just, like, first come, first serve. They’re doin’ it like All Meets Bob, like Old Meets Music, like, you know, Good Old War featuring go there, they’re playing one time, and you have to, like… LP: So how are people gonna try and go and topple them? JC: But, even if--even if we’re not charging money, can we still open off part of… CS: Yeah! It’s just you have to sign up, y-yeah. JC: Yeah, y--can we still, like, separate The Common? CS: No, you wouldn’t... CT: (indistinct)

Rich Loomer: But separating. Casey Smith: Like… Justin Cole: Yeah, sorry, I just, like… CS: You would have to guarantee your spot, in other words. Cameron Tanguay: I think that, like… JC: Who knows? What would, uh… CT: …wouldn’t work. I think if we do the “you have to sign up..to go”, and you get--you get a wristband, and then, like, we could try to work out a number that--that…says..okay, these are the amount of people who--who are gonna go to the show, and this is the… Reuben Walton: (glitchy vocal sample) CT: Yeah, between people who are allowed to go in and get food and then… CS: Yeah. CT: …you know… CS: Yeah. I mean, it has some holes in it, but… CT: Yeah, it does have some holes in it. JC: I’m used to, like, I should remove… CT: Try. LeAnne Piepiora: I feel like people would be like “Oh, I’m just going to get food,” and then they’ll never come out. CS: Yeah, yeah. JC: Yeah, like, I didn’t think we, I…I guess what I was asking was, like… CS: I fuckin’ hate that Taco Bell™ and everything in there, they--it ruins everything for us. LP: I hate that we’re not on the third floor! JC: Hey-- CS: Yeah, it’s too fits. LP: That ruins everything, but, let’s not talk about the bad things. (laughs) RW: (laughs) JC: It’s stolen the Taco Bell™ that went from Aramark™, it’s Aramark™. I know this is weird, because of sh--dogged, but can we request that night? CS: No. LP: Pure tan. CT: Like, I mean, that would be nice, but I guarantee that we w--we can’t. JC: Alright. CT: You know? JC: I was gonna say, like, they third that list-- CT: Unless we paid, like, the franchise of Taco Bell, like… RL: Yeah. CT: ...twenty grand, like… RL: Like, it’d be really nice if we could be able to say, like “The Common is closed for a private event”, but… JC: Well-- RL: Definitely. JC: I-I didn’t know, like, if we could do that, because it is, like, part of the university… RL: I-I-I didn’t… CS: We should look into the Concert Hall, though, we should look into that, um… JC: We definitely could do the sign up thing March 20th… CS: And we could charge for that, too, we could charge for the Concert Hall, I think… JC: Or we do-- RL: With the Concert Hall, you can’t have people dancing. Brian McGravey: Recital Hall could, like… JC: You can stand… RL: Nobody would stand. JC: …for Good Old War? RL: Then it would just, like-- BM: ...because we could have standing people… LP: That’s what I was saying about Recital--the Recital Hall. JC: The Recital Hall, uh, would sound much better..with a triage, like (indistinct) LP: Hold on, what was the problem with the Recital Hall, again? RL: I was just bust down, like... CS: It sounds poopy. JC: For an acoustic band, it might… LP: Yeah. RL: Uh, you know what? For them it might work, ‘cause they are..what they are… CS: That’s true, uh, we could, just... CT: I’ll to them about it-- LP: And we could charge, and it would be a good venue for--it’d be a-a good size. CS: And we might be able to get Recital Attendance maybe? (higher pitched). CT: That’s what said... Dan Farrell: (high-pitched) Yeah! JC: Well, we could move through it soon because that--that’s when all the interesting recitals happen... JT: I don’t know, but we mighta--we gotta move on. LP: Alright, I--just so you know, I gotta leave in five minutes. CT: It’s a good idea, but, uh, we gotta move on, and the re--the reality of it is..I have to, like… BM: To Sisco… RW: Um, yeah, tonight. Yeah. CT: …talk to the..agent, and, like, pretty much, like… (indistinct) CS: Yeah. CT: “No, we’re not doing a private show,” “Alright, fuck (indistinct)”. You know, that happen. CS: I-I think the…I think the, uh, the two thousand one thousand..thing is our best bet at this point, and then... CT: South Common? CS: Yeah, well--two thousand for Cumnock, one thousand--I mean, opposite. One thousand for Cumnock, two thousand for Fox Common. CT: And one thousand dollars? CS: For..Cumnock. CT: We paid them two thousand dollars a month ago. CS: I know, but we have..evidence that they didn’t even make-- CT: Yeah, but that’s--we don’t have, like-- CS: But, uh--give ‘em, that’s--that’s their option. CT: Yeah. CS: Two thousand, one thousand, take it or leave it. CT: Alright. CS: We don’t have any--we don’t have enough money to pay three thousand dollars-- LP: (indistinct) I think I’ll remember… CT: Yeah, I’ll--I’ll look into it. Hell yeah. I’ll definitely do it. JC: Probably gotta be a larger amount. CT: Alright. CS: We do have time for this, remember, so… JC: We can book a show… CS: Yeah, y-you can talk to their agent, he’ll talk to ya. You know, we’ll give ‘em--tell ‘em what’s up, tell ‘em our options and w-where we’re at. CT: Alright. Okay, um, now, last thing: assigning dates for booking of shows, alright? Um, so, we have--well, Casey has February 16th, I have February 23rd, Justin has March 2nd, uh, March..1st is cancelled, um, because of Mothers of Rock. JC: You’re talking about March 2nd, right? CT: March 2nd, um. JC: March, we’ll do a Friday show before March 2nd, um…Atlas the Atom Smasher, um hurry up and roll is doing their CD release show. Um... Far-Off Girl: (cheerfully) Hey... RW: (sample) What up, Bri? (door slams) JC: I--it’s like, Big Mess is gonna be playing, it’s gonna be a lot of kinda local--Bella Birds, and, once again, did not speak for you. CT: Mmhmm. JC: Um, I’ll do it myself. We need to do--if we can get some people that want to come out… LP: You have third… JC: on Friday Night… Dan Sullivan: We’ll be able to get, have it mouth… RL: Oh, sure, we’ll have our rights to do the March 2nd, yeah. We’ll be able to get… JC: Um… RL: ...yeah, have to read not-- JC: So, and--and anyone else who wants to experience extra set up. LP: Oh, I gotta get out of here… JC: …since we’re on equal show that report that, there’s gonna be more information on that very soon, but... LP: …I have half a minute left on one thing. Bye. JC: That’s gonna be--that’s one thing..I have..started doing, is trying to do..we have the option of doing Friday night shows, as long as there’s not a Fresh Fridays… RW: (sampled laughing, continuing vaguely in background glitchily) RL: (laughing slightly) Ch’yeah, right? (low gulping sound, door slams) CT: Okay! Justin, we have to move--I’m sorry, but we have to go, it’s taking--We can talk about it later gift it, just it... RL: Justin, one of us will be there, we’ll make sure it happens. JC: Yeah. CT: Okay, so, um… JC: Off it…(indistinct) CT: …a couple of the members that were--that were kind of--that were, well, that were really kickin’ ass last semester and..always showin’ up, and did really well with their..um, uh, simulation..thing, and..got high praise of their--from their mentors and such, uh, got some of these shows, um, I gave March 22nd, and he’s not here, to Tyler Schmitt, um, I’ll have to e-mail him. RW: (sample) So mine… CT: …March 29th is LeAnne, April..5th is Kristen McAuliffe, uh, she’s not here either. April 12th is Groovy Dan. Is that cool for you, Groovy Dan? DF: That’s cool with me. CT: Alright, good. Um, and, April 19th is Zach. (door slams) Zach, is that okay with you? Zach: April 19th? CT: April 19th. Z: Guess so. CT: …and..March 22nd. Do you wanna book a show? Z: Uhh… CT: You wanna book a show. You have to-- LP: Yeah you do. Don’t be afraid. CS: Zach, I’ll help you out--Zach, if you need help I’ll help you out-- CT: Yeah, we can help you out. There’s nothing wrong with doin’ that. I’ll give it to you. You feel right about it. LP: It’s intimidating, but it’s a lot of f--it--you feel so good. Z: I know a couple people with bands that, um (indistinct) that are, like, trying to book a sh--. (indistinct) Matt Lovell: Keane, my pip. (laughs) CT: Alright, so, um, I’ll e-mail you guys or something like that, but April 19th is your date, and March 22nd is your deadline. Just make a list of bands… Z: Alright. CT: and send ‘em over to me, and then I will have them vetted by Amy, which means she’s gonna make sure they didn’t stab anybody at any shows.. DF: (snorts) CT: And, uh… And then, then, you can book them, but we’ll--we can talk about that, but-- ML: Bitch freeze. CT: And then May 3rd is left open for right now, um, I didn’t know if Morgan wanted to book a show. Um, I think she told me she didn’t. RW: (sampled) And, uhs, what else is there? BM: To get it to ‘em…(indistinct, only transients) RW: Yeah. BM: (laughing) RW: And uh, your favorite animal is, bye. LP: I’ll ask her, I live with her now. CT: But, in any--if anybody can’t do these, say that, uh, she can’t, er--yeah, Tyler can’t, I think Morgan deserves the right to have, definitely… LP: Yeah. CT: …book a show if she wants to. LP: She did really really well with her simulation, too, because..she..shined on that. CT: And, and, Dan, did you say you didn’t wanna book a show? DS: U-Uh, I didn’t, but I don’t. Mhm. CT: Okay. You don’t wanna book a show? Yeah, I figured you were really busy with Mothers of Rock, and, like, I can’t (indistinct) anywhere in here. Um, and…that’s--that’s all it is we have for right now. Um, you guys, joined..halfway through the semester, kind of, um, if things open up, if you guys wanna book a show, I can talk to you on that, but… Unknown VPAC Member: I don’t know if I know, like, a lot of..bands, or, like… CT: You can figure it out. LP: (indistinct) CS: You don’t have to know bands, like, you don’t have to know them personally, to do this, like, you can just ask them. A lot of them are really pumped to play at college shows. UVPACM: Oh really? LP: Yeah. CS: Yeah, no, like, it’s a really easy--it’s easier than you think it is. UVPACM: Yeah. LP: Mhm. CS: Like, you don’t have to, like, know somebody in the band. UVPACM: Yeah. CS: Like, you just go to, like, their Facebook, and they most of them will just have, like, a--a contact or a booking e-mail, and you’ll just be like “Hey, I’m so-and-so, like..booking for UMass Lowell, like, do you wanna play a show?” And they’re usually like “Yo, absolutely.” Like, it’s just a great--it’s usually really easy. UVPACM: I’m wrapping up, actually, right now. LP: Oh, and (indistinct). CT: So..so, and Dylan, I don’t know, how do you feel about doing a show? Dylan: I can do it. CT: Yeah? Alright, well, if something opens up, I’ll give it to you, um, but, the people who are really, like, at everything doin’ a m--a ton o’ shit, that-- D: Oh yeah, me sometime…(indistinct) CT: I’m gonna..have to give it to them…(trails off) So, that’s pretty much it. Dates are assigned, uh, helpers are assigned for Thursday. Following on February 2nd we’re gonna have, uh, Audio Training Day, which is gonna be Thursday night. We’re all gonna be chilling in The Common. Um, then, I mean, people who’re gonna--workin’ on the Good Old War show, how do you guys feel about that? Do you guys have any…thoughts, objections? (someone coughs) RL: Can we just all agree to narrow it down to either Fox or the Recital Hall? Can we please just not Cumnock, it had to be a big-- CS: (accepting) Just no Cumnock? You don’t wanna deal with that? JC: I think it should be a backup, like… RL: I don’t really..like doing shows in Cumnock, but it’s totally up to you guys. CS: I mean, oh yeah… LP: I feel like that should be our third option… JC: Well we--we don’t know for sure if we’re gonna get the Recital Hall yet. LP: …and then the other two in that, au--audio training… RL: Yeah, y--I mean, I don’t know who any of it it.. CT: I’ll talk to Amy. JC: It’s gonna be hard to inn--be innovative. RL: Well, really at finals… LP: Yeah. CS: You might not even have to talk to Amy about that, you probably have to talk to somebody in Durgin about getting the Recital Hall… LP: Amy Dinsmore, actually, in the..music.. RL: Amy... (indistinct) CS: Oh, I thought she meant, like… LP: ...on the, Durgin..Off--Office, you can go right in, she’s the desk right there in front of you RL: Okay. Do it. CS: So, yeah, talk to her about it, explain the event, might--that might be eligible for recital credit. CT: Okay, cool. And, so, then, we have a new sound system, we went over that, the February 9th show we have people signed up for that, and..that’s it. CS: Cool. (clattering) CT: Everybody go home. LP: Um, I need to talk to, you know… CT: Thank you, guys. Thank you all for coming, appreciate it. Randy McGravey: What are you listenin’ to? RW: No. From recording the MEISA meeting. RM: (laughs) Oh.

Rose Mase: Seventy-five seconds. Amber Scanlan: I needa find a lighter. RM: I have a lighter. AS: Can I hold it? You’re scarin’--scaring the hens. I can smell Big Red from a mile away. (a characteristically Amber-style spontaneous change of voice tone) I wonder if Big Red chews Big Red gum! Reuben Walton: Big what--Big Red what? AS: Big Red. RW: I know, but…why did you smell Big Red? RM: I knew you dropped it, that’s why I didn’t give you my phone! SH: The phone I can hold with my whole hand, I have to fuckin’ hold the lighter with this side. It’s the lighter that-- RW: Ain’t no-- RW: Yeah. AS: I know, right? God! I don’t feel one bit bad. RM: I would feel what. RW: Yeah, me neither. Although… RM: Now that you said somethin’! RW: Now that you said somethin’! (high-pitched laugh) Oh..Yeah. I did. RM: Stop the guy, if he won’t go shoppin’. RW: Guy with a cart. RM: Hang yours, by who? Yeah! AS: Poke number two. RW: Deuce on the poke. AS: Quats on the Rose. RW: I can’t believe they fucked that girl. RM: Who? RW: The ten-year-old. RM: Who? Just tell me, I won’t tell anyone. RW: The one who lives there. AS: No they didn’t! RW: Didn’t he say they all did? AS: No, he was kidding. RW: Oh. AS: Sarcasm. RM: Hah! AS: Forget that. Oh, I got yelled at today! RM: By who? AS: It was..Cassie, some…(indistinct) RM: Where are we goin’? Oh yeah, Seth’s 21! High five, Seth. Happy Birthday. I’m so sorry, Seth, I swear to God. I’m sorry, Seth, I really, like, if you take it, like, I was thinking about what we were doing, you know, like, I didn’t know which burgular-- SH: Well, like, I mean, that shit wouldn’t even-a happened if… RM: I told her, I did. Amber, do you remember me telling you let’s not (indistinct). AS: When? SH: Yeah right, dude, you called and said “Hey, come hang out with me”…(indistinct). RM: Oh yeah, yeah, but w--if we didn’t go to White Hen that would--that shit wouldn’t have been thrown out if we didn’t go to White Hen. SH: (indistinct) RM: I didn’t know she was drunk, they tell me she wasn’t drunk. She wasn’t that drunk when she picked me up and then she…(indistinct) AS: Well I can hate the phone call. SH: Well you would…(indistinct) AS: No! SH: (laughs) Yeah, Scott told me you did…(indistinct) AS: No, I didn’t! You can look at the fuckin’ alcohol (indistinct). SH: And then you copped at it. Dude, Scott told me he did, you sat there hoping to get with his sister and, fuckin’, you were over there, and Rose, Rose knew you were smokin’ then you were, like, “His sister’s hot” and then you were like smokin’ up and shitfaced and (indistinct, jumbled) Where are we going? RM: Just go to Teaticket. SH: I can’t. Take a left. AS: Go where? RM: You gotta go all the way to Mashpee? SH: Yup. AS: Yeah, ‘cause they’re fuckin’, gay, and they’re, like…(indistinct) RM: Go to John’s, John’s has (indistinct) AS: We already did…(indistinct) AS: I’m sorry that you look like you’re 30, Rose. RM: (laughs) AS: (indistinct) Or, now that you have connections, going to (indistinct) RW: (laughs) AS: You never got carded at John’s, right? RM: Nope. And now I know somebody who works there. AS: (indistinct) I know. Wow! RW: (coughs) RM: Stop at…(indistinct) college… (indistinct) like, fuckin’, I respect you, I look up to you for that. RW: Good. RM: You have mad shit goin’ on in your life, like, honestly, if I was you, like, I’d be too scared to go. RW: Yeah. RM: But you still went. Half the people that don’t go to college just say “Oh, I don’t care, I’m too cool for college,” but you put everything else in your life aside and still went, and I have respect for that.

Better if I could find the words to say whenever I take a chance it turns away I'm worn, tired of my mind I'm worn out, thinking of why I'm always so unsure I'm always so unsure I battle my thoughts I find I can't explain whenever I take a choice I've traveled so far but somehow I feel the same I worn, tired of my mind I'm worn out, thinking of why I'm always so unsure I'm always so unsure I worn, tired of my mind I'm worn out, thinking of why I'm always so unsure I'm always so unsure I am alive when I sleep why am I not in all that I've got? I can't find no one to blame stand, stand, damned one damned one damned one damned one damned one I am one (vocalizing) where will I go?

When people say it's sad, you know it can't be bad and on any other day I'd be soul destroyed but now I can't afford to listen to a word they say now And of all the times we had, oh, the ultimate late night, didn't taste right True words that I should know Must've been blood on my hands But I'm afraid to leave, afraid to stay a crime's a crime, I'll have to pay True words I said to myself, as the wind chilled my bones Call it young and wild but I ran a mile in a minute and there's no going back True words that I should know Must've been blood on my hands 'cause I'm afraid to leave, afraid to stay a crime's a crime, I'll have to pay True words I said to myself, as the wind chilled my bones "Home alone, you call that a late night?" Listen to it Listen to it When people say you're dead, you know you caught their eye and on any other day I'd be soul destroyed but that's just not the way now I don't mind telling you nothing is quite what it seems, so True words I said to myself must've been blood on my hands 'cause I'm afraid to leave, afraid to stay a crime's a crime, I'll have to pay True words I said to myself, but surely by now, I could say to myself "Well, the days are getting longer so better get stronger" fast, surely by now?

I fell into the ocean when you became my wife I risked it all against the sea to have a better life Marie, you're the wide blue sky and men do foolish things You turn kings into beggars and beggars into kings Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green We can bring back the old days again when all the world is green The face forgives the mirror the worm forgives the plow the question begs the answer can you forgive me some how? Maybe when our story's over we'll go where it's always spring the band is playing our song again and all the world is green Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green we can bring back the old days again when all the world is green The moon is yellow silver on the things that summer brings I risked it all against the sea, it's a love you'd kill for, too and all the world is green He's balancing a diamond on a blade of grass the dew will settle on our graves when all the world is green Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green we can bring back the old days again when all the world was green He's balancing a diamond on a blade of grass the dew will settle on our graves when all the world is green Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green we can bring back the old days again when all the world was green

I fell into the ocean when you became my wife I risked it all against the sea to have a better life Marie, you're the wide blue sky and men do foolish things I risked it all against the sea and turned kings into beggars and all the world is green and beggars into kings Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green We can bring back the old days again when all the world is green The face forgives the mirror the worm forgives the plow the question begs the answer can you forgive me some how? Maybe when our story's over we'll go where it's always spring the band is playing our song again and all the world is green Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green we can bring back the old days again when all the world is green The moon is yellow silver on the things that summer brings it's a love you'd kill for and all the world is green He's balancing a diamond on a blade of grass the dew will settle on our graves when all the world is green Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green we can bring back the old days again when all the world was green The face the moon is yellow silver he's balancing a diamond on a blade of grass the dew will settle on our graves when all the world is green Pretend that you owe me nothing and all the world is green we can bring back the old days again when all the world was green

Don't be so rude, I was only trying to make conversation Hey, we gotta go on down we've got a dead shark on our hands we got a dead shark on our hands we got a dead shark on our hands we got a dead shark on our hands I'm just trying to get a handle on this I'm just trying to figure out where I stand I'm just trying so sue me for trying Do I just have a problem or did you also think that this was hot? I really hate talking to you on the telephone can't we just break it off, have you come over tonight can't we just break it off, have you stay here tonight I'm not looking over my shoulder I'm not gazing up at the stars I'm not thinking five years in the future I'm just wondering where you'll stay tonight

Hello sailor, buy you a drink? Hello sailor, tell me what do you think? How was the big beach, how was the sand? Did you fly an aeroplane, did you get a tan? How does it feel to be back on American soil, hearing "no blood for oil"? Hello sailor, tell me how does it feel? What do you think? Hello sailor, will we get him next week? How does it feel to be hated and loved back home? I'm tellin' you you should've known that I'm a little despot, short and stout here is my handgun, here is my crowd control when you tick me off, then the bullets fly out because free love is a whole lot of bullshit free love is a whole lot of bullshit Hello sailor, can I buy you a smoke? Hello sailor, can I tell you a joke? Knock, knock, who's there? No, I'm just happy to see you. It'll be a hundred if you come. Hello sailor, tell me, how does it feel? Hello sailor, to be fighting for real? Sailor, they got you coming and going Sailor, look out, 'cause your pussy is showing How does it feel to be back on American soil, hearing "no blood for oil"? And I'm a little prostitute, I put out and sell Here come the market monkeys with their little fontanelles when they tip me over, they better tip me well because free love is a whole lot of bullshit free love is a whole lot of bullshit Hello sailor, buy you a fuck? Hello sailor, you've had much more than luck You had the U.S. of Army on your side and that Red White and Pride Hello sailor, I mean women and men Hello sailor, you gonna be up for it again? How does it feel to be shooting stars in the sky? Was it a rush to almost die? Hello sailor I said hello sailor How does it feel to be back on American soil, hearing "no blood for oil"? And I'm a little liberal, I'm stupid and young here is my platform, here is my holy roller when you snow me under, I rock and roll you out because free love is a whole lot of bullshit free love is a whole lot of bullshit, oh, yeah

I don't have what it takes to stay with you now I'm leaving in under ten days it's not what I planned but anyway, you know by and large anywhere I go I won't find anyone who loves me enough to make you look bad but anyway, you know All the cars on the road are driving away from here but I'm still looking under my nose just to see who I am But anyway, you know standing at any kind of show I won't find anyone who can tell me what I need to know but anyway, it's not how it's done but anyway, you know by and large anywhere I go I won't find anyone who loves me enough to make you look bad and If I ever pay you back If my money and wallet's intact I'll probably be in a box lying down loosely suited in black If I ever pay you back If my money and wallet's intact I'll probably be in a box lying down loosely suited in black

Today is a winter Sunday we wear our heavy coats the soul of my brother is pure though he doesn't think so Oh, one for sorrow Oh, one for sorrow, two for joy We walk the whole two miles to Holly I want to hold his hand but I don't the thoughts of my brother where and when they fly I don't know Oh, one for sorrow Oh, one for sorrow, two for joy Everything is going to be much better in the spring Today is a winter Sunday we wear our heavy coats the soul of my brother is pure though he doesn't think so Oh, one for sorrow Oh, one for sorrow, two for joy What is coming down from the north road? What is coming up from the ground? Going up, going down though we don't know much at all stand ever firmly, love we'll stand ever firmly, love